Supporting Someone Who Lives With Migraine

Migraine is more than a headache

Migraine is a neurological condition. Alongside head pain, NHS information describes symptoms including nausea and increased sensitivity to light and sound, and some people also experience visual disturbance. That is why a darkened room and silence are often more useful than sympathy delivered at normal volume.

Believe what the person tells you

Migraine is invisible, and people are used to being doubted, which means many will minimise their own symptoms before you get the chance to. Taking the description at face value is the single most helpful thing you can do.

Ask what practical help they need

Preferences differ, and they differ between attacks for the same person. One short question, asked quietly, saves a lot of guesswork.

• 01Would you like the room darker or quieter?
• 02Shall I bring water?
• 03Do you want company, or would you rather be alone?
• 04Is there anything I can cancel or handle for you?

Reduce light, sound and strong smells

Close curtains, turn off the overhead light, mute the television, take a phone call to another room, and hold off on cooking anything strong smelling or spraying anything scented nearby.

Help with children, meals or responsibilities

The practical load is often the reason people push through an attack rather than resting. Taking a piece of it away is more useful than any advice.

• 01Take the children out or keep them occupied elsewhere
• 02Make something plain to eat and leave it nearby
• 03Send the message that cancels the thing they cannot face
• 04Handle the school run, the shopping, the phone call

Avoid minimising language

Most minimising is accidental and comes from wanting to help. It still lands as doubt. Suggesting cures, comparing it to your own headaches, or pointing out that they seemed fine earlier all tend to make people feel they have to justify themselves.

Instead of saying, try saying

Small changes in wording make a noticeable difference.

• 01Instead of: It is only a headache. Try: I believe you.
• 02Instead of: Have you tried drinking water? Try: What would help most right now?
• 03Instead of: You looked fine earlier. Try: Would you like me to make the room quieter?
• 04Instead of: You just need to push through. Try: Is there anything I can take off your plate?
• 05Instead of offering a cure. Try: Would you like me to check in later?

Do not pressure someone to continue with plans

Cancelling is rarely a choice made lightly, and it usually comes with guilt already attached. Accepting it without negotiation, and offering an easy alternative another day, removes a great deal of pressure.

Learn their emergency warning signs

Ask, while they are well, what would count as unusual for them, and what they would want you to do. NHS guidance describes features that need urgent assessment, including a sudden very severe headache, a headache with a stiff neck, fever or rash, weakness, confusion, slurred speech, seizures, or a headache following a head injury. If any of those appear, follow NHS advice and seek urgent help rather than waiting.

Support without trying to diagnose

You do not need to work out what is happening or why. Encouraging someone to see their GP, and offering to help them prepare for the appointment, is more useful than any theory about triggers.

Check in after the main attack has passed

Many people continue to feel drained and foggy after the pain has gone. A message the next day, and a slightly lighter shared schedule, is often remembered longer than anything done during the attack itself.

Stephanie's experience

Personally, the people who helped me most were never the ones with suggestions. They were the ones who closed the curtains, took something off my list, and came back the next day to ask how I was without making it a conversation I had to perform.

About Not My Grain

Not My Grain is a cosmetic cooling botanical roll-on created with migraine sufferers in mind. It is not a medicine and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent migraine.